You Don’t Have to Forgive to Heal
Why APA’s forgiveness messaging misses the mark for betrayal trauma
Recently, the American Psychological Association shared a series of images promoting the benefits of forgiveness. They highlighted reduced anxiety and stress, improved physical health, and even lower mortality rates. According to the APA, “forgiveness can improve mental and physical health.”
For some people, that might be true.
But if you’ve been betrayed—deeply, personally, relationally—this message can feel like salt in a wound.
Because here’s what it leaves out:
Forgiveness is not always healing.
And more importantly, forgiveness is not required for recovery.
When Forgiveness Is Pushed Too Soon
In the wake of betrayal—especially infidelity, relational deception, or abandonment—survivors often hear that forgiveness is the “next step.” It's framed as the mature thing to do. The healthy thing. The final release.
But when offered prematurely, forgiveness can:
Silence justified anger
Short-circuit the grieving process
Reinforce social pressure to "just get over it."
Keep survivors tethered to unsafe or unaccountable people
It’s not that forgiveness is always harmful. It’s that, in betrayal trauma, it cannot be the starting point.
A Better Sequence for Healing
Instead of starting with forgiveness, here’s what many survivors need first:
Safety and Stabilization – Emotional, relational, and physical security
Grief and Anger Work – Permission to feel the full impact of what was lost or shattered
Truth and Accountability – Honest conversations, not excuses or spiritual bypassing
Boundaries and Agency – Reclaiming personal power and clarity
Optional Forgiveness – If and when it aligns with their healing—not as a forced task
Forgiveness, if it comes at all, should arrive as a byproduct of internal transformation—not as an obligation to make others comfortable.
Let’s Say It Clearly:
You can heal without forgiving.
You can release yourself from what happened without excusing it.
You can set boundaries without offering empathy to someone who hasn’t earned it.
And if you’re a therapist reading this—please stop asking your clients, “Have you forgiven them yet?”
Start asking:
“Do you feel safe?”
“Do you feel heard?”
“What do you need to move forward—on your terms?”
(Learn more about this in my SOS Sharpening Our Skills)
Forgiveness Should Be a Choice, Not a Standard
For those who choose to forgive, I honor that.
For those who don’t—or can’t—I honor that, too.
What matters most in betrayal trauma recovery isn’t whether you forgive.
It’s whether you find clarity, strength, and peace—in ways that honor the depth of what you’ve lived through.
Let’s stop holding people to a forgiveness standard that wasn’t built for trauma in the first place.
Watch for more details on the sequence of healing in my next blogs!
If this resonates with you, or you’ve felt pressure to forgive before you were ready, I’d love to hear your story. And if you're a therapist who's been rethinking forgiveness in your work with clients, share your thoughts below and join my free trainings at www.betrayalrecoverycenter.com/sos.